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Self Improvement Newsletter
Improve Your Life Today!
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8/12/13 issue: Emotional Dependence & Holding a Grudge
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Email for: jorge.saguinsin@gmail.com
* Self Improvement and Personal Growth Weekly Newsletter *
Issue #779, Week of August 12-13, 2013
Publisher: David Riklan - http://www.SelfGrowth.com
In this issue:
-- Quotes of the Week
-- Recommended Resource of the Week
-- Article: Are You Emotionally Dependent? - By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
-- Article: Expert Q&A: Grudges and Forgiveness - By Dr. LeslieBeth Wish
-- Book Review: The Honest Truth About Dishonesty: How We Lie to Everyone--Especially Ourselves - By Dan Ariely
-- Inspirational News Story of the Week
-- How to Subscribe and Unsubscribe from this Newsletter
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*** Quotes of the Week ***
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The great thing in this world is not so much where you stand, as in what direction you are moving. - Oliver Wendell Holmes, 1809-1894
Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome. - Samuel Johnson, 1709-1784
I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward. - Charlotte Brontë, 1816-1855
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*** Recommended Resource of the Week ***
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* Get Paid To Have Amazing Skin *
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*** Article: Are You Emotionally Dependent? - By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. ***
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Discover the difference between needs coming from emotional dependency and authentic needs that we have within a relationship.
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Every few weeks I do a free webinar. People can listen on their computers or on the phone; they can write in asking questions or they can ask me directly on the phone. Here is one of the questions a woman -- I will call her Susan - asked in a webinar on emotional dependency:
"When we are in a relationship and we have made our needs clear to our partner, is hanging on in the hope they will follow through with promises to meet our needs a sign of emotional dependency?"
The answer is -- it depends on what needs you are taking about. There are some needs we have that can only be met by another person, and there are other needs that we need to learn to meet ourselves.
'Needs' Coming From Emotional Dependency
"I need your attention."
"I need your approval."
"I need for you to have sex with me when I want sex."
"I need you to make me feel lovable and worthy."
"I need you to make me feel secure."
"I need you to make me feel important."
"I need you to fill my emptiness."
"I need you to make me feel special."
"It is your job to make me happy."
These 'needs' are coming from self-abandonment. When you don't give yourself the love, attention and approval you need, and you don't define your own worth and learn to fill yourself up with love, then you may be needy of another making you feel that you are okay. When you are disconnected from your own feelings and from your personal source of spiritual Guidance, when you harshly judge yourself, or when you avoid your feelings with various addictions, then you will feel empty and needy inside and may pull on others to fill you and make you feel okay.
Needs That Can Only Be Met By Another
• If we are taking responsibility for ourselves and filling ourselves with love, we then have love to share. We need others with whom to share love.
• Once of our primal needs is for connection with others. But we can't connect with others unless we are connected with our own heart and soul, and with our source of spiritual guidance. While we can connect intellectually from our minds, emotional connection occurs only through the heart and soul. Without emotional connection with a partner, family and friends, we can feel very lonely.
Most of us have a need for touch and affection, which is different than sex. While affection and connection can often lead to mutually-desired love-making in a committed relationship, touch and affection without a sexual agenda is important for connection.
• We also need others with whom to learn and grow. We can grow by ourselves to a limited extent, but the deeper level of learning and growth occurs in relationship with another who is open to learning.
• We need to have fun with others -- to have companionship. So we need others who are available to spending time with us.
• Finally, we need to know that the other person would never deliberately set out to do us physical or emotional harm. We need to feel safe that the person has our highest good at heart, and will be honest with us, in order to have a trusting relationship.
These are the needs you can request from your partner that are not signs of emotional dependency:
"I need for you to want to spend time with me - sharing love and affection with me, connecting with me from your heart and soul, being open to learning and growing with me and playing and having fun with me. I need for you to be honest with me and to care about the effect your behavior has on me. I need to know that you support my highest good."
These are very different needs than the first list. So I would say to Susan, who asked the question: "Susan, I would guess that the needs you are talking about are from the first list, since we generally don't ask for promises for the second list. When we are connecting with ourselves and taking loving care of ourselves, we can generally sense whether or not the other person is capable of love, connection, caring, empathy, openness and honesty. These qualities are either forthcoming or they aren't. Someone cannot 'promise' to give us these things.
So look within first and see if you are giving yourself the things on the first list. Then you will be in a position to share with someone the things on the second list.
** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here.
About the Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., the SelfGrowth.com Official Guide to Relationship Advice, is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website for more articles and help. Phone and Skype Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now! http://www.selfgrowth.com/solos/margaretpaul.html
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*** Article: Expert Q&A: Grudges and Forgiveness - By Dr. LeslieBeth Wish ***
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If you're like myself and many of my clients, you find forgiveness a difficult prospect. Big questions such as "When is it too late to ask for an apology?", "Is forgiveness necessary for personal and spiritual growth?", and "Should someone apologize for being truthful?" complicate the process.
Of course, most of us do not hold grudges and ask for apologies on such a grand scale. Yet, we certainly can tell stories about the rifts in our families. For example, brothers don't speak to brothers because business ventures went belly up. Or, siblings squabble over inheritances. Even worse, families break up when they take sides over the guilt or innocence of an abusing parent.
The offended and the offenders present compelling explanations, but the offended are often the ones who feel that they are left holding the hot potato question: Should I forgive-or forgive, forget or forsake the relationship forever. My clients suffer long-term anguish over this dilemma.
Most religions promote forgiveness. The message is that forgiveness heals wounds, brings people together, allows for human error and advances each party's emotional and spiritual growth.
As you read this, you might be pondering whether to forgive your mother, sibling or colleague. And, like most people, you might also be feeling a mix of guilt and outrage at the same time. I wish I could give you a definitive answer about what to do. Even in my profession of mental health, there is division about the better approach. In my many years of counseling people, I've seen leaps in personal and family growth occur from both positions. The best I can offer is this guide. Ultimately, you must decide, based on your circumstances and religious beliefs, whether to forgive or not.
Grudge Guide: To Forgive or Not to Forgive
1. There can actually be benefits of holding a grudge and withholding forgiveness. If you are the kind of person who rarely speaks up or who always thinks that he or she is usually wrong or undeserving, then holding a grudge can forge a new way of thinking about others and their responsibility for a given situation. For example, you might find some untapped strength in yourself. Use your "grudge time" to review the situation. Talk about it with others, including counseling or religious professionals. Test your viewpoint.
Ask yourself: What lesson have I learned about not speaking my mind? Why do I let others disrespect me?
2. Get a perspective. The feeling that someone has done you wrong may be justified, but just because you feel something doesn't mean your behavior has to match your feelings. We make similar assessments all the time. For example, wise parents know to pick their battles with their teenager. If the hurt is deeper, then think about how you want to handle it. Here are some steps to take after you've got a more level head.
Ask yourself: Did I contribute to this problem? Why did this person do what they did? If you aren't sure about what happened, tell the story to a trusted friend, partner, counselor or religious leader. Write out the incident and see what emerges. Sometimes, the act of writing can yield surprises.
3. Consider your position temporary. People grow and change. Hindsight, time and a fresh view, for instance, might soften your previous stance. You don't have to maintain your old view. There's no point or benefit of holding a grudge for the sake of being angry. Don't hold onto to past hurts in order to protect and justify your actions or feelings.
4. Develop a strategy. Forgiveness is a very personal decision, and few situations are identical. Here a few of the approaches that worked for my clients.
Identify your religious beliefs. For example, some people believe that forgiveness, rather than diminishing your sense of self-worth, actually enhances it. Forgiveness, in their eyes, is a higher order of human relating. There is a famous story about a family in Italy who encountered bandits who robbed them and murdered family members. The parents forgave the robbers--and even donated an organ to save one of their lives.
Decide whether this person or issue is important enough for you to "open that can of worms."
Weigh the pros and cons of discussing the issue. Decide whether you still want a relationship with this person. Confronting the person can end in several outcomes: It might end the relationship, solidify your negative assessment of the offender, leave you without a resolution or foster a better relationship and help the person to grow.
Think about how you might change your interactions. For example, some people limit or shorten their visits. Other people decide to "step back" in their hearts and choose to continue the relationship but not be as close.
Discuss the issue with the offender and offer this person the opportunity to change or apologize. Ask the offender: How would you feel if I did the same thing to you? What would you do about it? Often, the person's response will guide you.
5. Don't be afraid to open old but serious wounds that you haven't acted on. Sometimes we look back and can't figure out why we never dealt with an issue; however, delayed action is not necessarily unwise behavior. Sometimes, people are not even aware that someone has actually hurt them!
Battered women, for example, may come to the realization that they are not the cause of the battering until later. Battered women are often too willing to offer forgiveness to their abusers and not expect or ask for change in the abuser's behavior. Years later--and perhaps many counseling hours later, the woman sees the light and is finally able to be angry.
Copyright © 2011 QualityHealth.com. All rights reserved.
** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here.
About the Author:
Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, Ed.D., MSS is a noted psychologist and lic.clinical social worker, specializing in relationships. For her book about women and love, she welcomes women to take her 17-20 minute online research survey at http://www.selfgrowth.com/solos/lbwish.html
* Get Paid To Have Amazing Skin *
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*** Book Review: The Honest Truth About Dishonesty: How We Lie to Everyone--Especially Ourselves - By Dan Ariely ***
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The New York Times bestselling author of Predictably Irrational and The Upside of Irrationality returns with a thought-provoking work that challenges our preconceptions about dishonesty and urges us to take an honest look at ourselves.
Does the chance of getting caught affect how likely we are to cheat?
How do companies pave the way for dishonesty?
Does collaboration make us more or less honest?
Does religion improve our honesty?
Most of us think of ourselves as honest, but, in fact, we all cheat. From Washington to Wall Street, the classroom to the workplace, unethical behavior is everywhere. None of us is immune, whether it's a white lie to head off trouble or padding our expense reports. In The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty, award-winning, bestselling author Dan Ariely shows why some things are easier to lie about than others; how getting caught matters less than we think in whether we cheat; and how business practices pave the way for unethical behavior, both intentionally and unintentionally. Ariely explores how unethical behavior works in the personal, professional, and political worlds, and how it affects all of us, even as we think of ourselves as having high moral standards. But all is not lost. Ariely also identifies what keeps us honest, pointing the way for achieving higher ethics in our everyday lives.
With compelling personal and academic findings, The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty will change the way we see ourselves, our actions, and others.
*****
The list price of this book is $14.99. To purchase it from Amazon.com at a price of $11.51, a 23% discount, go here.
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*** Inspirational News Story of the Week ***
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* Can We Make Ourselves Happier? *
According to studies from all over the globe collated by the World Happiness Database in Rotterdam, we can. But the path to happiness may not be where we are looking for it.
Go here for the complete news story.
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In Desiderata states doing good to all men, reconcile with God, Holding grudge against our fellow makes you weary and lonely, you need to lay down all the heartache to live happily full of love to all people you work with. Our God commanded us to love our neighbor as ourselves, He then give us the golden Rule so that all may live peacefully.
ReplyDeleteEddie A. Borejon visited and read this article August 30, 2013